Almost two weeks ago now, I posted a blog entry. First, I would like to thank you for the comments, the texts, the emails, the phone calls and care packages that I received in the wake of sharing my pain.
Your show of support meant (and continues to mean) more than you will ever know, or that I will ever be able to fully express.
This is where I’m supposed to tell you I’m all better and the dark thoughts have left my head and I’m happy and healthy.
Oh, how I wish I could. But, even after writing it all down, I’m not past it.
Every day is a fight. Every day it’s a struggle to find a glimmer of motivation to get up, start a day, commute to a job that, while I can do it well, I’m not very excited by.
These are some of the questions I wrestle with every hour of every day… questions that I wish I had an answer for:
*If I break my lease, how much money will that cost me, and would it damage my ability to be a renter in the future?
*If I left my job without giving the usual two week’s notice, would it mark me as ‘not hirable’ among staffing agencies?
*If I moved back to Virginia, how would I get from point A to point B?
*If I moved back to Virginia, where would I live?
*If I moved back to Virginia, and am unable to find a job, how do I pay for food etc.?
*Will the pain ever stop?
*If I move back to Virginia, does that mean leaving my job in July, and the last six months mean absolutely nothing? Can I live with that?
*I don’t have anyone who depends on me, not a girlfriend, not even a pet…so would anyone really notice if I decided one day to go to sleep and not wake up?
*Has anyone else ever felt like this, where they have absolutely nothing to look forward to in their daily life, be it a workday or a weekend? I feel like I’m emotionally flat-lined, if that makes sense.
Those questions, and others, are bouncing around my head constantly. It’s exhausting.
Wednesday last week, I couldn’t go to work because my left leg was too swollen to fit in my leg brace. I spent the day with both legs elevated and did a lot of thinking and, if I am honest, crying. On that day, and every day since then, I have come to the internal realization that ‘this’, whatever ‘this’ is, isn’t working, and I need to change something. Does that change mean leaving Atlanta and coming back to Virginia? I don’t know, because, as several questions note above, there are answers I need before I pull the plug on this ‘Atlanta Experiment.’
All I really know on a daily basis is that I am unhappy, terribly unhappy and have been unhappy since early December. I guess early December is when the daily barrage of pain started too, so, when you think about it, I have been taking way too much Advil for over a month.
I take Advil to combat the leg pain, then that causes severe stomach pain, so I stop the Advil for a bit…then the keg pain starts back up, so I take more Advil…it’s a vicious circle, one that I’ve been on since I started my job, and Advil, for all the damage that it may do, is the only way I’m able to make it to work. Tylenol and aspirin have never helped with pain for me. If either did, I would try one to save my stomach.
I have faced battles my entire life, and almost every other obstacle I’ve conquered. This time it feels different, like I’ve suffered a knockout punch.
After being SO CERTAIN about moving to Atlanta, and having it turn into…this, I’m not certain of anything. I know I need to take a step, but I don’t know what that step is, or where I’m stepping toward.
Something needs to change. I’m tired of this fight. I’m tired of sleeping away entire weekends…and I still want the pain to end.
Thank you for reading. The phrase I’ve heard from friends is “Things will get better…”
God, I sure hope so.